Thread: Stasi: Ted Cruz had five mistresses? I can't find one woman who would sleep with him

Stasi: Ted Cruz had five mistresses? I can't find one woman who would sleep with him

NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
Saturday, March 26, 2016, 9:00 PM

A story emerged about Ted Cruz's alleged affairs, but it's doubtful that many people want to sleep with the candidate.

The National Enquirer should retract their outlandish story that Sen. Ted Cruz had affairs with five women outside the bonds of his holy matrimony.

After this incredible and scandalous story broke, I was personally so outraged and disgusted that I did just like a candidate would do and hired a very expensive and classy research firm to do a poll.

It was time to make America not just great again, but time for all Americans to know: Was Ted great in bed?

The nationwide survey showed that the truth is much more shocking even than the allegation that Ted had five lovers.

Tragically, pollsters could not find one woman in the United States, Puerto Rico, Guam, Northern Mariana Islands, the U.S. Virgin Islands or American Samoa who wants to have sex with Ted Cruz.

Even the high-priced D.C. call girl alluded to in the Enquirer story immediately gave up sex, fired her answering service and sued her madam for creating a hostile work environment just for sending her out Cruising. “I thought my booker said Tom Cruise!” Mistress X told a source. “Imagine my horror when a man opened the door dressed as an apostle!”

Meantime, evangelical Cruz is righteously furious with Donald Trump (and his slimebag-in-residence Roger Stone), whom Cruz believes leaked the story to his best bud, David Pecker, owner of the Enquirer (Trump is the only candidate the Enquirer has ever endorsed). Trump in turn is righteously furious that a pro-Ted PAC reposted old, naked modeling pix of Mrs. The Donald, Melania.

Not that the naked Melania pix seemed to have done Trump any harm.

It gets worse: A crazed Cruz incoherently announced, “Let me be clear. Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him.

Seriously, why bother being a rich and famous guy who — when the wind blows — stands 75 feet tall in his hair, if he can’t have a woman who looks spectacular naked?

On Friday, the sleaziest presidential race in history got even weirder and sleazier when some of Teddy’s alleged beddies were outed and one of them is supposedly none other than Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson.

Why would Trump out his own spokesperson? Is it that by shadow-outing one of his own he looks innocent? That’s not below a Roger Stone dirty trick. Or was it maybe all the, ah, trick of Little Marco, as rumor has it?

Pierson immediately issued a fierce not-denial: “What’s worse? People who actually believe the trash in tabloids, or the ones who know it’s false & spread it anyway? #stupidity on all levels.” Then, later, the catty, “Of course the National Enquirer story is 100% FALSE!!! I only speak to myself, however.” What? So the other women did sleep with Ted?

But the most horrific moment was still to come: A crazed Cruz incoherently announced: “Let me be clear. Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him.” That thought is enough to cause mass suicide!

The GOP convention might need paper stadium seat covers to prevent STDs.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/poli...icle-1.2578751

Funny article. A little Saturday night levity.

On a serious note, I think this round of whatever one would wish to call it brings to an end the possibility of a Cruz VP spot if Trump wins the nomination.

If Trump wins the nomination, I think Scott Brown would be an excellent choice.