Everyone In Town Hall Debate Audience Has Spouse Who Lost Health Insurance And Is Dyi

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Everyone In Town Hall Debate Audience Has Spouse Who Lost Health Insurance And Is Dying Of Cancer

October 16, 2012 | ISSUE 48•42 | More News in Brief

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports from Tuesday’s presidential debate at Hofstra University, every member of the town hall audience has a spouse who is battling late-stage cancer, the treatment for which they cannot afford because all of them have lost their health insurance within the past year. “My name is Marjorie Cochran, and my husband Robert was diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma just days after being dropped by his HMO,” said an audience member, who, like the individuals seated to her left, right, front, and back, has been laid off from her job, is worried she won’t be able to afford to send her daughter to college, owns a home that has gone into foreclosure, lives in a school district that has enacted painful budget cuts, and has a child currently serving in Afghanistan. “My question to you is, how can I afford the life-saving procedures and medication my husband needs, considering I’m just barely able to keep my small business afloat in this terrible economic climate? Thank you.” Cochran, along with every other attendee at the David S. Mack Sports and Exhibition Complex, then nodded in solemn agreement when a woman asked a follow-up question about how the candidates expected her to support her young child with special needs on a single salary.

Everyone In Town Hall Debate Audience Has Spouse Who Lost Health Insurance And Is Dying Of Cancer | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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Romney To Town Hall Audience: 'I Own Horses And Care For Them, And You Are All Like Horses'

October 16, 2012 | ISSUE 48•42 | More News in Brief

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—In an apparent attempt to demonstrate empathy for everyday working Americans, GOP candidate Mitt Romney likened the audience at the town hall debate Tuesday to the many horses he owns and cares for, saying that, in a way, the majority of the American people are like helpless stable animals. “The horses I own, especially the ones who specialize in dressage, need constant attention because they are unable to care for themselves, much like all of you,” said Romney, adding that to the extent that horses aren’t the smartest animals out there, average Americans “aren’t that bright either.” “See, if I didn’t buy my horses and train them, they would be roaming around a some field somewhere, lacking any sort of direction. They wouldn’t know there is a better, more fulfilling life for them out there in which I am their owner and master. So what I’m saying is, let me buy you, and everything will be better.” To further the analogy, Romney said that when Americans get sick or break a leg, they should be shot.

Follow @OnionPolitics for live coverage of tonight's presidential debate starting at 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT.

Romney To Town Hall Audience: 'I Own Horses And Care For Them, And You Are All Like Horses' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time

October 16, 2012 | ISSUE 48•42 | More News

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports, millions of viewers across the country are expected to tune in to tonight’s town-hall-style presidential debate at Hofstra University in order to determine which complete and utter sociopath they find more likable this time around.

“I’m very curious to see which one of these two clinically sociopathic individuals will present the most convincing and authentic approximation of an actual human conscience tonight,” said Cincinnati-area voter Miranda Harrick, 40, adding that both candidates, like all successful politicians, were undeniably skilled at such calculated artifice. “I think whoever is able to best manipulate me into thinking they experience normative emotional states such as empathy and regret will probably have my vote come November, so I’m excited to see what happens.”

The debate figures to be especially important for undecided voters, 91 percent of whom said in a pre-debate poll that they were still waiting for one sociopath to win them over with the perfect combination of superficial charm, deluded grandeur, and pathological lying.

According to polls, viewer consensus following the first debate suggested Mitt Romney had performed a far more convincing impersonation of someone with real feelings and a capacity for human compassion. Voters praised the former governor’s ability to conceal his complete social disconnection and underlying hostility behind a wall of colloquial rhetoric and an approximation of warmth they described as “much more realistic” than Obama’s.

“Last debate, Romney was a great sociopath,” said Florida voter Jeff Yu, 28, who remarked that the Republican candidate’s impressive ability to simulate the appearance of caring had improved markedly since the beginning of the campaign. “He looked very comfortable and confident up there, even against a seasoned sociopath like Obama. He really helped me ignore the reality that to him, as to any politician, social interaction is nothing but a never-ending game of deception and psychological subterfuge, the only object of which is personal gain.”

Following Obama’s noticeable hesitancy during the first debate, many of his supporters expressed worry that he was struggling to effect emotional normalcy with the same single-minded cunning and feigned humanity he exhibited in 2008. They agreed the pressure is now on the president to show that he has not forgotten how to callously manipulate the American public into thinking he is anything at all like them.

“I want to see that same beguiling sociopath who, four years ago, conned me into believing his psyche was somehow differently wired from every other charming, sociopathic politician who had ever lived,” said Obama supporter Phoebe Greenwald, 43. “What happened to all his seemingly earnest, though of course meticulously contrived, rhetoric about hope and change that made us all like him and think he was in some way psychologically healthy and well-adjusted, which of course no human being in the history of modern politics ever has been?”

“Obama just needs to do what [sociopathic Vice President] Joe Biden did last week,” Greenwald added. “I mean, he masterfully out-sociopathed Paul Ryan, which is no easy task, believe me."

No matter the outcome of tonight’s debate, sources agreed that the most talented sociopath will likely be elected in November and, depending on what kind of support he might receive from like-minded sociopaths in Congress, will then spend the next four years satisfying his malformed brain’s ceaseless thirst for power and glory

Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall

October 16, 2012 | ISSUE 48•42 | More News

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—A time-honored tradition ended in calamity tonight when, less than an hour after presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama gathered together in the town of Hempstead, NY to debate their political views before villagers, a lantern tipped over and set fire to the ol’ Town Hall.

According to sources, the fire broke out when a mare kicked over an old kerosene lamp, quickly lighting wooden pews aflame and igniting haystacks in the town’s historic gathering place, which for centuries has served as the center of social, spiritual, and political life for the people of Hempstead.

“Come quick, there’s a fire down at the ol’ Town Hall!” local schoolteacher Eunice Quinn shouted into the cobblestone streets as the blaze spread through the building’s storage chambers, burning up the surplus of dry goods and preserved fruits that had been safely stored away for the harsh winter months. “It was Bluebell again, kicked over an old lamp right in the middle a’ debatin’! We best send some of the older children down to the well and get a bucket brigade going. Hurry, before the flames get the fall harvest!”

Sources reported that by rallying together, villagers and a contingent of volunteer firemen were able to evacuate the building within 15 minutes, helping to save the lives of countless townsfolk, livestock, and political figures trapped within the smoke-filled rooms.

While congregants from the local Presbyterian Church helped keep hot cinders from setting fire to the schoolhouse down the street, a team of nursemaids worked to revive moderator Candy Crowley with smelling salts and a sip of brandy.

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  http://o.onionstatic.com/images/18/1...l/250.jpg?4612 Romney Tells Heartbreaking Lie About Single Mother Of 4 He Never Met

“I thank God that no souls perished today in this infernal blaze,” said local pastor Cyrus T. Jebediah, speaking to a coughing Soledad O’Brien as authorities assessed the damage to the building. “Everyone in Hempstead helped quell the flames. The women in their fancy gingham gowns and bonnets, the rowdy Rachom boys—why, even crazy Jasper Pike, his bottle of corn whiskey still in one hand. Made me proud to be a Hempsteadian, I’ll swear to that.”

The fire was an unfortunate end to an otherwise spirited week of great commotion and excitement in Hempstead, with townsfolk dressing in their Sunday best and local merchants making sure their storefronts and pantries were spotless for the presidential candidates’ arrival.

Town sources reported even old Widow Chessum had roused herself to attend the debate, despite her severe gout.

“Shame the debate had to be canceled,” shopkeep Bartholomew Small told reporters, his starched white shirt sullied with ash. “Just some good, law-abiding folk comin’ together to have an open discussion about the future of our country. Weren’t nothing more than that.”

At press time, the citizens of Hempstead had scheduled an emergency meeting behind Whitaker’s Saloon to discuss a replacement venue for this year’s upcoming harvest ball

Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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Arlen Specter Switches Affiliation From Alive To Dead At Last Minute

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Arlen Specter Switches Affiliation From Alive To Dead At Last Minute | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Florida

The Onion profiles key battleground state Florida, known for being a state that can go either way. For instance, in 2000, the state famously voted for Republican George W. Bush; however, in 2000, the state voted for Democrat Al Gore.

VIDEO: The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Florida | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network

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The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Ohio

Ohio figures to once again be a key battleground state. The Onion presents its profile of the swing state that sends Republicans and Democrats alike into a state of terror every four years.

Video: The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Ohio | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network

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Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines

Responding to widespread criticism of voting procedures that have plagued the state since the 2000 election, the Florida Elections Commission announced Thursday its plan to experiment with new 600-lever voting machines.

Video: Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network

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Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate

October 16, 2012 | ISSUE 48•42 | More News in Brief

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NEW YORK—Following tonight’s debate between President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney, millions of Americans took to the Internet to read the views and responses of others so that they themselves could ultimately figure out how they felt about the candidates’ performances. “I need to see what complete and total strangers are saying on Twitter and Facebook, read what the political pundits on CNN.com are writing, and then maybe I can reach my own conclusion about the debate I just watched,” said Raleigh, NC resident Jarrod Kakofski, adding that while he has a “gut feeling” about who won the contest, he would rather see if those thoughts are supported by political analysts and other online commentators “just in case [his] opinion ends up being wrong.” “I won’t be able to offer any ideas about the candidates’ policy proposals, body language, or overall relatability until I get online and am told which person I was supposed to like most.” Viewers nationwide also confirmed they would need to consult The Huffington Post before deciding what they thought about the performance of debate moderator Candy Crowley

Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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Nation's Ever So Malleable Simpletons Fluttering Between Candidates Like Shuttlecocks Through Every Moment Of Debate

October 16, 2012 | ISSUE 48•42 | More News in Brief
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WASHINGTON—With their mouths agape and their glassy eyes fixed upon tonight’s televised presidential debate, the nation’s ever so suggestible dullards are currently fluttering to and fro like feathered shuttlecocks between candidates Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, sources have confirmed. “Well, I was planning on supporting Obama after he talked about his plan to create more manufacturing jobs, but then Romney said he would reduce our dependence on foreign oil, and that actually sounds better,” said 32-year-old Wilbur Pruett, one of the millions of gullible, weak-brained imbeciles gingerly batted back and forth between two possible voting options as though propelled by the tensile force of an ultralight stringed racquet. “Then again, Obama did just say that Romney’s plan is bad for the middle class, so who knows? They just both seem right and wrong in so many ways.” Reports suggested the nation’s utter simpletons will hover just so, in a gentle, suspended arc, until such time as they land on whichever candidate the man on the radio tells them to land on

Nation's Ever So Malleable Simpletons Fluttering Between Candidates Like Shuttlecocks Through Every Moment Of Debate | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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First Question From Debate Audience Somehow Comes From Paul Ryan

October 16, 2012 | ISSUE 48•42 | More News

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—Following the opening statements by President Barack Obama and challenger Mitt Romney during tonight’s town-hall-style debate, the first question asked by an audience member somehow managed to come from Republican vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan.

“Gov. Romney, let me start off by saying I have a lot of admiration for you and your family, and it’s a great honor to have this opportunity to speak with you,” said Ryan, who wore a flannel shirt tucked into jeans and was introduced by debate moderator Candy Crowley as “Paul, an undecided voter from Wisconsin.” “As a man of faith who hails from America’s heartland and is deeply devoted to his wife and three children, I am very concerned about the direction our country is headed in. Like many voters four years ago, I was skeptical of Barack Obama’s leadership skills, and as we all know, the American people are now paying a terrible price for having elected him president of the United States. This economy has left a lot of good folks out of work, and when our struggling families look at how every single policy enacted by the Obama administration has only made things worse, they can’t help but worry about what will happen if this man is given a second term. I must admit, Gov. Romney, I share their fears. I believe I speak for a lot of us voters who are still on the fence in this election when I say that in your last debate performance—which, by the way, was tremendous—you presented an admirable plan to rein in the deficit and bring back jobs to America. All of this pertains to my question, which I’ll get to in a moment, but first I want to quickly build on my earlier statement and note that I’m both a religious man and a family man, and it’s been a tremendous reassurance to hear you speak of your commitment to families and to the values that define who we are as Americans. I do want to wrap this up, but not before I tell you that my wife, my children, my mother, and all the people I know stand behind you. America stands behind you. God bless you, Gov. Romney, and God bless America. Now, given the savagery with which Barack Obama has worked to destroy everything we hold dear in this country, will you be able to reverse each of his failed policies in your first 100 days in office—or can you do it even faster than that?”

The vice presidential candidate then sat down and immediately raised his hand again for a “follow-up question.”

First Question From Debate Audience Somehow Comes From Paul Ryan | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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Obama Excited To Participate In First Debate

October 15, 2012 | ISSUE 48•42 | More News

http://o.onionstatic.com/images/18/1...9/635.jpg?8476 The president says he is aware “how crucial this first debate is” and is eager to give a strong performance.

WASHINGTON—Saying he was excited to “finally get out there” and defend his policies in front of the entire nation, President Barack Obama told reporters he was energized and eager to participate in his first debate of the 2012 election cycle Tuesday night.

“Everyone—myself, my opponent, pundits, the media—we all recognize how crucial the first debate is, and that’s why I can’t wait to knock it out of the park,” Obama said Monday during a break from his near constant debate training sessions, which he described as essential for making a strong first impression on viewers. “After all the sound bites and attack ads, it’s great to at long last have the opportunity to appear alongside my opponent and offer a full-throated argument in support of my plan to return our middle class to prosperity.”

“You don’t get many chances to clearly articulate your policies and rebut those of your opponent in front of the entire nation,” Obama continued. “And I don’t intend to let this opportunity slip by.”

Telling reporters he needs to be at top of his game if he hopes to win over independent voters in the first debate, the president said he has been hard at work honing his rhetorical skills so he can set the tone for the rest of the campaign. He noted that in particular he has focused on not being afraid to go on the offensive and on perfecting his body language, which he said would be “absolutely essential” for gaining the upper hand in the first contest between the candidates.

Moreover, after months of being attacked on the campaign trail, Obama acknowledged he was looking forward to finally dispelling what he described as baseless allegations leveled against his administration, saying he would “relish the chance to set the record straight once and for all.”

In addition, sources confirmed Obama has eagerly awaited “this, the first of three debates,” so he can seize on the Romney campaign’s numerous gaffes and repeatedly draw attention to the GOP nominee’s shifting policies. Hoping to employ Romney’s own words against him, Obama said it was vital that he use his initial debate appearance to “drive home” the message that his opponent is unprincipled and out of touch.

“Look, it’s the first debate, which many people would argue is the most important of them all, so I have a responsibility here to come out swinging and really set the pace for the next two matchups,” Obama said. “Now, Gov. Romney is also aware of just how important the first debate is, so we expect him to be on the attack. But now is my first chance to really show people I’m completely focused and not at all rusty, so expect a spirited discussion.”

Admitting a subpar performance on his part could give Romney a significant bump in the polls and critically shift the electoral landscape just weeks before Election Day, Obama vowed to approach the first debate very seriously. The president said he and his team had devised rebuttals to every possible Romney answer and were working on ways he could stay bold, aggressive, and on-message throughout the evening, adding that he did not want to take any chances in the first debate and be forced to rely on a rebound in the next two.

Obama also told reporters he was fully aware that the first debate would be watched by as many as 70 million Americans, and that “this is the big one.”

“The bottom line is that I have a much stronger plan for middle-class families, I actually have consistent and detailed policies on the economy and the deficit, and I have proven myself to be strong on national security,” Obama said. “All I need to do in the first debate, really, is make this distinction to the American people, and then this first debate should pretty much seal my reelection.”

“Frankly, it’d be pretty embarrassing if I couldn’t pull that off,” Obama added.

Obama Excited To Participate In First Debate | The Onion - America's Finest News Source