Thread: “Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

“Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.”
— Clark Griswold

Clark W. Griswold Jr.: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Congress, right here tonight. I want them brought from their happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want them brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look them straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d_ _ _less, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit they are! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Hey Griswold! Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark W. Griswold Jr.: Bend over and I'll show you!

Clark W. Griswold Jr.: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny ****ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

He’s Been Putting Us Up On The Swamps “Foreign Aid” Con Game For A Long Time Now

Cousin Eddie: Shitter was full.

Ellen Griswold: Clark, I think that it would be best for everybody if they all just went home...before things get any worse.
Clark W. Griswold Jr.: WORSE?!?!? How can things get any worse?!?!? Take a look around you Ellen! We're at the threshold of Hell!