Thread: Jokes for Koobster

I've started this thread because Koobster is facing some medical problems and I want to keep her spirits up! I thought a good way to do that was to make her laugh with a joke here and there. Anyone who is interested, please feel free to post the jokes! Let's face it---these days all of us could use a good chuckle.

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
When you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
Date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
That a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
Experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had
Taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had
Never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they
Were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
Realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
Hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
Point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
The road, or it would be the front seat of his car

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
Companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
Was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
About was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of
The situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
Were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to
Poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new
Problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
Answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply
That indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
Assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
Sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
Laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
Compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with
A real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
The grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
Predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only
One way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
Date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
Hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought

your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being p'd off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
Sitting next to her on the Leno show.

LOL, I don't know if anyone can beat this one..

How very nice to do this PatrioticMe. My prayers will be with koobster and laughter is a great medicine.

Psalm 91

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink juice
to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus shot. Apply alcohol compress to cheek to disinfect.
Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to see if they'll take a mutant cat and ring
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

cayla99, that was the funniest thing I've seen all day! As an owner of a dog and a cat, I can defenitely relate. I lost a lot of blood when I gave the cat a bath for the first time.

Originally Posted by Gogo

OMG Gogo, shame shame lolololol I am covering my eyes now lololol

Originally Posted by cayla99

Originally Posted by Gogo

OMG Gogo, shame shame lolololol I am covering my eyes now lololol

Don't tell W. I caught one of the mods on webcam. No names though.

Originally Posted by cayla99

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink juice
to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus shot. Apply alcohol compress to cheek to disinfect.
Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to see if they'll take a mutant cat and ring
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

I laughed my butt off!!

Roping A Deer------- ( Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! )

Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!


I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.


A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.