Thread: Jokes for Koobster

THE MULE:


A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his
new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though,
as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making
life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the
forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared
up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing
her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their
feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer
stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and
whispered to t he farmer, however, he would shake his
head no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor
later asked the farmer what that was all about. The
farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.'
The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and
I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked
up for a year.'"

Originally Posted by PatrioticMe

Originally Posted by cayla99

Good for him lolol, I will never understand why, when a man buys anything electronic for anybody as a gift, they always have to "play" with it first. LOL

The system didn't take out the swear words, though. Should I go delete them, do you think?

Then they must not be "no no" words lol I would leave them be unless a mod changes them.


Mods, it is my fault, i made PM leave in the words

Originally Posted by DearsisterAnise

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don't.


I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an as****e!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'as****e' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an as****e!"

It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'as****e' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an as****e!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first as****e (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW as****e, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, It is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an as****e." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two as*****s to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called As****e #1.
"Hello."

"You're an as****e!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

" I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my Black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, as****e." Then I called As****e #2.
"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, as****e," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a*s," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to beat my lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two idiots beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff really works.


~Author Unknown~


Fowarded Email

I laughed so hard all the way through this that my dog was looking at me as if I'd grown another head! roflmbo!!!

Originally Posted by cayla99

Originally Posted by PatrioticMe

Originally Posted by cayla99

Good for him lolol, I will never understand why, when a man buys anything electronic for anybody as a gift, they always have to "play" with it first. LOL

The system didn't take out the swear words, though. Should I go delete them, do you think?

Then they must not be "no no" words lol I would leave them be unless a mod changes them.


Mods, it is my fault, i made PM leave in the words

Yeah! She twisted my arm!!

Originally Posted by Gogo

THE MULE:


A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his
new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though,
as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making
life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the
forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared
up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing
her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their
feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer
stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and
whispered to t he farmer, however, he would shake his
head no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor
later asked the farmer what that was all about. The
farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.'
The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and
I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked
up for a year.'"

lol lol lol Too funny! Where is Koobster? We're all posting these jokes to cheer her and keep her happy and we're all rolling on the floor and she's nowhere to be found! aaahahahaha!!

Originally Posted by azwreath

You all have me laughing so hard I've got mascara running everywhere.......

One of my favorites:

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

lol lol lol Too funny!! I wish Koobster was here! aahahahaha!!!

Originally Posted by cayla99

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink juice
to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus shot. Apply alcohol compress to cheek to disinfect.
Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to see if they'll take a mutant cat and ring
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

I love it! All that for a cat and then "Wrap it in bacon." for the dog!! bwaahahahahaha!!!!!

Originally Posted by Gogo

Originally Posted by cayla99

Originally Posted by Gogo

OMG Gogo, shame shame lolololol I am covering my eyes now lololol

Don't tell W. I caught one of the mods on webcam. No names though.

Oh my goodness

Originally Posted by cayla99

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink juice
to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus shot. Apply alcohol compress to cheek to disinfect.
Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to see if they'll take a mutant cat and ring
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Yeah I got blooded up when I gave my big cat a bath. he knock over some eggs and milk together, trying to jump on the counter.
You should of seen it it was funny.......

I am laughting so hard my stomache hurts.

Great jokes I havent laughted like that in years.