New Year’s resolutions for political players

It’s time to write those New Year’s resolutions for political players that they won’t write for themselves, but need to hear and really mean, despite what they might be saying. Happy New Year! Unless you’re a racist, white supremacist, xenophobic, misogynist, treasonous, Constitution-hating mutant. In which case, maybe a not-so-happy New Year for you would be better for us.

President Donald J. Trump: I resolve to drop my phone into the toilet mid-tweet and dive in head-first after it. I further resolve, when taken into custody by federal marshals, to remind them how to handle suspects – no kid gloves!

U.S. Senator Claire McCaskill: I resolve to come in from outstate Missouri once in a while and say something in places where Democrats actually vote for Democrats – something that might make them want to actually get out and vote – maybe even for me. Remember the lessons of Alabama’s senate race.

U.S. Senator Roy Blunt: I resolve to face Judgement Day along with all of the other cowardly, hollow “Christians” who enabled the immoral Trump presidency and its disruption of the country.

Governor Eric Greitens: I resolve to give people – never mind who – the best government dark money can buy. I further resolve to keep showing my regular dudeness by wearing cowboy boots with my suits. I further resolve to continue to insult the people in my putative party who lead the state Legislature so they spend more time bickering with me than passing more inhumane, pro-gun legislation.

Missouri Attorney General Josh Hawley: Because I am not a career politician, I resolve to keep my promise not use my position as attorney general to seek higher office. Oh, never mind. Further, because I "reside" in Jefferson City but voted in Boone County, I resolve to arrest myself for voter fraud.

Missouri Secretary of State Jay Ashcroft: I resolve to bring back the paper bag test, but for voting. Too black? – get back!

Missouri Treasurer Eric Schmitt: I resolve to remember my vocal public support for the billionaires’ boondoggle Republican tax reform that offers little or nothing to the middle class as the rich get much richer and the poor whom I allegedly care about get even poorer. As for the middle class, hey! It was fun to have them while they still existed.

Missouri Auditor Nicole Galloway: I resolve to keep auditing our miserably inept and shortsighted governing officials and the agencies they run in Missouri and reporting the results transparently, even though the attorney general and governor who could do something about it are opaque frauds.

U.S. Rep. Wm. Lacy Clay: I resolve to spend more time back home in the hardest-hit neighborhoods I have represented so long that have benefitted so little, even as I continue my commendable and fearless inside game resisting Trump and fighting for change in Washington, D.C.

U.S. Rep. Ann Wagner: I resolve to attend a town hall meeting – finally – and say some hideously stupid thing that gives my Democratic challenger just what they need to take my seat.

County Executive Steve Stenger: I resolve to give people – well, the paying customers; you know who you are – the best government money can buy.

St. Louis County Prosecutor Bob McCulloch: I resolve to squeeze even more favors out of little Stevie Stenger for getting him elected with that hilarious b.s. about Charlie Dooley being “corrupt” when, of course, had he been corrupt I would have been compelled to charge him with crimes, not just film hot dog campaign commercials for little Stevie.

Mayor Lyda Krewson: I resolve to dismiss Assistant Police Chief Lawrence O’Toole as unfit to serve after his leadership of the unconstitutional policing of Stockley verdict protests, his sinister boast that police “owned the night” after a brutal mass kettling arrest, his lying to the public about the white cop who shot the off-duty black cop. Need I go on? Oh, also, the homeless thing. I further resolve to do something – anything – about the homeless thing.

Aldermanic President Lewis Reed: I resolve to improve upon my current legislative agenda of obstructing anything Alderwoman Megan Ellyria Green wants to accomplish.

Comptroller Darlene Green: I resolve to keep counting the beans and telling all these people sold-out to developers that we can’t afford to give away any more public money or bonding capacity for things like professional sports facilities.

Circuit Attorney Kimberly Gardner: I resolve to stabilize the office and get the trains running on time so I can develop a truly progressive framework for criminal prosecution in a crime-ridden city. I further resolve to keep an eye on my senior staffer former judge Robert Dierker to see how he treats other women, including those who seek to empower women, whom he has called “femifascists.” I further resolve to stop asking for the death penalty (cf. “a truly progressive framework for criminal prosecution”).

Treasurer Tishaura O. Jones: I resolve to stay unbowed and unbought until the next opportunity to unite the fractured left to elect a change candidate emerges. I further resolve to keep [expletive] smacking the vindictive Post-Dispatch editorial board and a spiteful Jeffrey Boyd every time they have it coming.

Assessor Steve Conway: I resolve to think kindly of Lyda every time those heavy pension checks roll in for the rest of my life. Ch-ching!

Alderman Joe Vaccaro: I resolve to keep reminding Lyda: “I scratched your back, but still got my itch. Hook me up. That pension needs to be a little heavier. We helped take care of that thing for you. You know. Conway got his. Give me mine.”

Alderman Jeffrey Boyd: I resolve to continue my career as a nuisance candidate and a complicit opponent of whatever Tishaura is trying to accomplish.

Democratic committeepeople of St. Louis: We resolve to encourage more progressive pushes from the grassroots and kowtow less to the party line status quo that rejects Independents even when they are better than Democrats.

New Year’s resolutions for political players