MI$$ION TERRITORY

Mexican Church-Conversion Plan Seeks to Replace the Poor-Box with One-Armed Bandits

"El Casino Real?"

SAN DIEGO (AP) — In a move that is almost certain to place additional strain on the already tense relations between the United States and Mexico, Mexican presiÂ*dent Felipe Calderon today announced a plan to convert California's historic mission churches to reservation-style gaming establishments, with all profits going directly to his country's government.

"For centuries," said CaldeÂ*ron, "people have gambled their immortal souls that the Catholic Church was the surest path to salvation. By compariÂ*son, blackjack, roulette, and slot machines are a much more modest bet — and a lot more fun as well! We look forward to providing the citizens of California — indeed, of the entire United States — with quality gaming in a stunningly beautiful environment. None of your Las Vegas-style fakery here, people — ersatz pyramids and make-believe city skylines and the like.
No, we're offerÂ*ing the real deal, and we're on a 'mission' to become AmerÂ*ica's number one gambling destination!"

He then introduced the casino chain's new mascot: Our Lady of Luck, an image of a woman styled after the VirÂ*gin of Guadalupe, but standing on a pile of gold instead of a crescent moon.

The plan is based on a hereÂ*tofore-ignored codicil to the Protocol of Queretaro, which 1 was added to the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, the docuÂ*ment that brought much of the American Southwest under the control of the United States. U.S. envoy extraordinary and minister plenipotentiary to Mexico Nathan Clifford signed the Protocol in 1848 and apparently raised no objection to allowing "the diverse Missions established by the servants of the Roman Catholic Church throughout Alta California" to be excluded' from the treaty's claims. When the new Mexican constitution of 1917 put Church property at the disposal of the state, the California missions became a de facto property of the MexiÂ*can government, and the transÂ*fer of the "Mexican Missions in California" was never formally revoked.

Ironically, says San Diego State history professor Paula De Vos, a persistent rumor has circulated among histoÂ*rians that Clifford allowed the codicil as the result of a lost bet during a poker game with a member of the Mexican Catholic hierarchy.

"The Lord loves a cheerful bettor!"

Numerous groups have already spoken out against the plan, including cash-strapped California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, activist group Catholics Opposed to Desecration (COD), and the Mission San Diego choir. President Obama has thus far remained silent, pending an assessment from his advisers. (Rumors that Vice President Biden has spent the past week playing craps in Mexico City have so far gone unconfirmed.)

But San Diego bishop Robert Brom, whose diocese contains both the Mission San Diego and the Mission San Luis Rey de Francia in Oceanside, was sanguine. "We will certainly miss Mission San Diego, but to be honest the Catholic Church has bigÂ*ger problems to worry about these days than monuments to its past. Besides," he noted "the parishioners at San Luis Rey don't even worship in the old church anymore. It's a museum, a place where folks drag their kids to learn the history of a failed experiment.

Frankly, I'm delighted to think of all the people who will get to experience the beauty offered by the Church for the first time as a result of this repurposing. And as for the gambling — you ever been in a Catholic church where they didn't play bingo?"

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