Published: 08.01.2008
Denogean: Please tell me deportation plan is a joke
ANNE T. DENOGEAN
Tucson Citizen

Maybe the Bush administration thought it was time for a little comic relief on the illegal immigration issue.

Or perhaps, with its new report-to-deport plan, the administration is simply throwing its hands up in the air and admitting it has no solution to this complex problem.

The launch of "Operation Scheduled Departure" was announced Sunday by Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director Julie Myers on Spanish-language television.

The government is inviting approximately 475,000 foreigners who have ignored deportation orders but who haven't been convicted of any crimes to walk into an ICE office and say, "I'm here and I want to go home," according to Associated Press reports that followed Myers' Univision appearance.

The government is offering no incentive or benefit for these "fugitive aliens" to leave voluntarily. However, they can avoid being picked up during an ICE raid and will be allowed 90 days to put their affairs in order.
The initial AP report on Wednesday said those who turn themselves in wouldn't be detained or forced to wear electronic monitoring devices on their ankles. An updated AP report Thursday said some who volunteer to leave could be required to wear the tracking devices and those who appeal their deportation orders could be jailed.

Also, the volunteers to leave still would be banned from returning to the United States legally for five to 20 years.

ICE said it might help pay for travel to a volunteer deportee's country of origin. Tucson immigration lawyer Tarik Sultan pointed out the government would pay the expense of deporting them involuntarily. It's financially worth it to them to stay and work until they get caught.

"I will fall out of my chair in surprise if there's an avalanche of people taking advantage of this," Sultan said.

"They're begging people to come forward to deport themselves. It kind of shows that the whole system has just collapsed," said Douglas Rivlin, a spokesman for National Immigration Forum, a pro-immigrant rights group. "This is a distraction from what we really need to think about, in terms of fixing our immigration system. We've got a mismatch between the supply of legal immigration from our government and the demand for legal immigration from our economy and families wanting to be reunited."
According to The Wall Street Journal, the report-to-deport program was months in the making.

Months to come up with a plan this stupid? To its credit, the Bush administration supported comprehensive immigration reform. This nonsensical plan is a non sequitur to the failure of Congress to pass broad reform and all that followed, including the virtual fence that turned out to be virtually useless and the DREAM Act that remains a mere fantasy.
Can you imagine the key meeting on this plan? You know it must have taken place in a bar at happy hour because somebody had to be boozy to think up this doozy.

This is how I imagine the conversation between ICE Director Myers and Jim Hayes, ICE's acting director of detention and removal:
"So, Jimmy, how do we get rid of these people?"
"I don't know, Jules. It would be impossible to round up 12 million people, even with the help of the Minutemen. Maybe we should offer them 50 cent coupons to the dollar store to come forward and a Michael Chertoff collectible bobble-head as a parting gift."
"Nah, too expensive."
Profound silence, a round of margaritas and three shots of tequila follow.
"Hey. I've got an idea, Jimmy. What if we ask them really nicely? Pretty please, with a jalapeño on top?"
"You mean we offer 'nothing' as an incentive?"
"Nothing. Not a thing, just a promise not to be mean to them as they leave. We'll sell it as a kinder, gentler deportation brought to you by the compassionate conservative government of George Bush."
"That's brilliant, Jules. And after all the fugitive aliens are gone, we'll expand the program to the other 11.5 million illegal immigrants who have been waiting for a personal invitation from Uncle Sam to leave. But I have to admit, I'm a little worried about the fact that many of these folks have American children here and little to return to in their native countries but poverty and struggle."
"Jimmy, my boy, that's a problem for the next president."

The pilot program runs Aug. 5through Aug. 22 in five cities with large illegal immigrant populations, including Phoenix.

My fellow southern Arizonans will want stay off Interstate 10 West during that time to avoid the hordes of foreigners rushing to turn themselves in.

Anne T. Denogean can be reached at 573-4582 and adenogean@tucsoncitizen.com. Address letters to P.O. Box 26767, Tucson, AZ 85726-6767. Her columns run Tuesdays and Fridays.
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