Thread: Solve The Immigration Problem: Marry An Illegal

Solve The Immigration Problem: Marry An Illegal

http://www.dailycampus.com/home/index.c ... 62062d07ef
By: Nikita Shpilberg
Posted: 9/21/07

Some people say that illegal immigration in this country is a problem. But they are wrong: it is a challenge. It is a challenge to our imagination. And every challenge is an opportunity, as even the worst motivational speaker will tell you.

How do you fix the illegal immigration challenge?

Accept the challenge. Say "I do," and conduct a solo campaign against lawlessness and marry an illegal immigrant. If you are suspecting that someone is here illegally, look them in the eyes, drop that ring into the empty champagne glass and pop the question.

You have nothing to lose. Are you worried about actually liking the person? Worry not. With the divorce rate in this country, the success of your marriage is a flip of the coin anyway. Marrying the right person is a skill, like juggling a soccer ball. The more touches on the ball, the better player you are. Practice in anything, as we all know, makes perfect or at least makes for a better husband or wife, anyway.

The influx of illegal immigrants (over seven million according to U.S. Citizenship and Immigration, over 15 million according to U.S. Border Patrol) means only one thing : good news for wedding organizers, wedding singers, as well as odd wedding crashers and bull market on the proverbial weddings trade floor. For example, I can already see Hollywood stepping in to snatch their cut, surely, by producing films such as "My Big Fat (e.g. Mexican, East European, Chinese, Indian, Arab, etc.) Wedding.

It is cheaper to hire more ministers, build more chapels, ghostwrite more profound and more heartfelt vows, than it is to hire more guard dogs, patrolmen, bureaucrats or build higher and longer walls.

Marrying an illegal immigrant is patriotic. You will finally silence the debate that is tearing our country apart. We all know that unity is a good thing, especially us being at war and everything. Our country shall become stronger and our numbers more numerous, more clamorous. Everyone will be able to love America because they will be able to love Americans daily, nightly - or whatever arrangement that will spontaneously arise between the two consenting parties.

On the good side, by marrying an illegal immigrant you'll simply help out a fellow human being. You will increase your knowledge of other cultures, of other languages. Your geography skills will be bound to improve (e.g. via sending that Christmas card to your in-laws). And you could finally tell your grandmother to shut up because you finally found that special someone, at least for the meantime that is.

On the down side, they might not want to marry you. Maybe you smell, need to lose some weight or need to get better pick-up lines. This is another challenge - one that calls for your own self improvement. Take a shower - don't forget to scrub between the toes and behind the ears. Use mouthwash. Stuff your mouth with Tic Tacs. Pour half a flask of cologne into your underwear. Buy a Bowflex, an Ab Lounge, and "Dr Atkins New Diet Revolution."

There are angry people who claim that illegal immigration is harming America. But it's just plain nearsightedness. How can our economy suffer when there will be jobs created all the time? Caterers will see their businesses flourish, your hometown old flower lady will finally get to go to Aruba this winter, your uncle Harry's "Three Old Guys With Guitars" band will finally leave your parents' basement and take off to start touring.

Now expand this idea worldwide. In fact, forget about visas, national borders, immigration restrictions. I say that the only way you could come to another country is because you already have or will be obligated to get a spouse there. This will signify the end of the hotel business, but it is something we can live with. Besides, would you rather live in a hotel or in your own home in another country? Obviously your own place is better.

Think beyond the standard familiar familial dyad. Think in terms of extended families. Why have just one special someone. I am thinking polyandry and polygamy. Just go "poly-amorous." More is better - as in more practice is better, remember?

Should this idea really take off, there will be global peace on the horizon. Because who would go to war with another country knowing there are people from one's own family there? And with modern technology and ease of travel, that is certainly a possibility. With the entire world in familial entanglement, there will be a braver, and more amorous world out there.

Good luck all you out there. Make this world a better place.

What about the low IQ average of Central Americans. Would you want your kids to inherit those genes?