Jumping on the ban-wagon: What else can city prohibit?
June 9, 2006

BY DEBRA PICKETT SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST




Now that Niles mayor Nicholas Blase has been arrested on corruption charges, it's even harder -- like Cicero wasn't confusing enough -- to distinguish the city from the suburbs.

So we're going to have to do something to make ourselves really stand out. And I think Ald. Ed Burke has got exactly the right idea.

If other municipalities are going to horn in on the corruption thing, we can easily outflank them by going the other way. As everyone else chases that whole Sopranos-inspired corruption-is-cool-again trend, we can go to work on the next big thing in local government: the nanny city.

Sure, certain nations, like regulation-crazy Singapore (it once banned gum chewing!) and most of the European Union, are way ahead of us, already banning things that we've barely had a chance to get addicted to yet. And, yes, certain U.S. cities, like San Francisco and pretty much every single college town, have been quietly making wear-your-helmet-and-eat-your-vegetables-and-put-out-that-nasty-cigarette laws for years.

But Chicago has a chance to really do it big.

With 3 million people and 50 hardworking aldermen, we could generate the kind of hyper-regulatory paradise that Berkeley, Calif. (with 100,000 people and a paltry eight city council members) can only dream about. We could ban everything that ever made anyone cough, cry, sneeze, blush or retain water weight.

French fries? Small potatoes!



Starting with foie gras was an excellent move. Aside from assuaging the all-powerful goose lobby, banning a pricey luxury food established the council's "regular person" bona fides. Nobody has much sympathy for cries of oppression from people who'd pay a hundred bucks a pound for what is, essentially, potted meat.

But, as Ald. Burke made clear on Wednesday, foie gras is only the beginning. Dangerously fatty fried foods could be next. And, from there, a whole host of unhealthy/ cruel-to-animals/dangerous/just-plain-naughty stuff awaits.

Obviously sushi needs to go. Dramatically revealed by the Tribune to be a source of Moonie funding and -- almost as bad! -- full of toxic mercury, my favorite spicy tuna roll is already on the not-allowed-for-pregnant-women list. And, by the logic of new federal health guidelines issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "all women capable of conceiving a baby" are supposed to treat themselves as "pre-pregnant," avoiding dangers that might cause harm during the early weeks of an unplanned, undetected pregnancy. So, if raw fish is off-limits for women from 13 to 50, it's only fair to disallow it for everyone else, too. We wouldn't want to be ageist or sexist. And, anyway, who wants to hang out in a guys-only sushi bar?

Along the same lines, other items on the pregnant woman's forbidden list, like caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes, deli meat, steak tartare and bleu cheese, should probably also be banned in Chicago. There's really no such thing as being "too safe," is there?

It's for your own good, people



And, of course, we shouldn't stop with food.

We've banned driving-with-cell-phones and, as spectacularly effective as that's been, it's time to take a look at other risky behind-the-wheel behaviors as well. Like driving-while-tuning-the-radio and driving-on-the-Ryan-at-rush-hour, which doesn't carry much danger of high-speed crashes but does contribute to a lot of heart attacks and strokes. Come to think of it, just plain driving is kind of a menace to society. Not when I do it. But when all the rest of you do.

Once everyone is biking to work -- in helmets, knee pads, elbow protectors and light-reflective clothing -- the city will be a far better place.

That's when we can really make our move.

We can institute mandatory midday power naps, anger-management classes and tai chi lessons (proven to reduce industrial accidents, homicides and slips-and-falls, respectively).

And, even though I don't (yet) have a lot of science to back me up on this one, I'm also pretty sure that our quality of life will be vastly improved when everyone has to send each other thank-you notes whenever gifts are exchanged.

Sweating the small stuff



Some will say these proposals are absurd. These people have no vision.

They run around insisting that the city has larger problems to worry about, that we should be "fixing the schools" or "helping the homeless" rather than legislating the minutiae of personal behavior.

But, ultimately, isn't it personal behavior that will fix the schools? Aren't healthy foie-gras-and-french-fry-free children far more likely to do well on standardized achievement tests?

And can't all those now-forbidden cars be stacked up somewhere to create a highly efficient housing complex -- with personal stereos and air conditioning, even -- for the homeless?

It's time we finally started thinking big, Chicago. Real change begins with a single resolution.




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