JENNIFER KABBANY - FIX EDITORAPRIL 1, 2016

The conservative-leaning Stanford Review took a stab at poking fun of all the “demand” lists campus activists nationwide have lodged with administrators in recent months — including at Stanford — to have a little fun this April Fools’ Day.

They nailed it:

Stanford University has repeatedly failed to address systematic issues on campus. We, the Students of the Stanford Review, have seen our voices silenced, our rights trampled, and our experiences ignored.

Not once has an administrator inquired as to the relative health of our feelings – the system is broken! We, the Students of the Stanford Review, DEMAND change.

WE DEMAND that Stanford builds a wall around El Centro Chicano, and makes MEChA pay for it.

WE DEMAND that Stanford expels Panda Express from campus, since its food is culturally appropriative, and celebrates the harvesting of the endangered panda bear.

WE DEMAND that Stanford renames White Plaza to Black Plaza. Naming a central plaza after a race is hateful.

WE DEMAND that Stanford recognizes that half-lives matter, and establishes a committee to fund the Chemistry and Physics Departments accordingly.

WE DEMAND that Stanford’s Classics Department end its disgusting and exploitative profiteering off the lived experiences of ancient Greeks and Romans.

WE DEMAND that swimming pools be abolished at Stanford, since their blueness shows implicit support for the Israeli flag, further dehumanizing the Palestinian people.

We DEMAND that Stanford ends its use of European languages, since they are inherently colonialist. We recommend Xhosa, Zulu, and interpretive dance as alternatives for person-to-person communication.

WE DEMAND that Stanford’s Applied Quantitative Reasoning requirement not be fulfilled by cis-linear algebra. The experiences of marginalized matrices have been ignored for too long.

And on it went down to demand 15: “WE DEMAND that the Administration immediately accepts the aforementioned demands, and that a statement of acceptance, a timetable of implementation for each demand, and an administrative point person for each demand be presented to the Review at 3 PM on Friday April 8, in open forum at Buffalo Wild Wings, San Jose.”

Stanford snowflakes meltdown over April Fools' joke mocking leftist campus 'demands' - The College Fix