Jay Leno:

Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it. ...

As you know the bailout was voted down the first time. People are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have. ...

You know, these things are so complicated. I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts, and they couldn’t agree on which part to implement first: the smoke or the mirrors. ...

Now that Congress is not in session, the economy made a big comeback. That’s the key—send these idiots home. ...

Did you all watch the first presidential debate? You know, a lot of analysts were calling it a tie; they say neither man stumbled. That’s how low the bar is now. Apparently not stumbling is considered a huge accomplishment in politics. ...

I love the way the moderator, Jim Lehrer, tried to get both candidates to talk to each other. What are we in couples-counseling now? Tell him how that made you feel.