Shamefully, I spent a few days in the local pokey some years ago over some traffic tickets that I had forgotten to pay. My bad. At least I wasn't crying about it like Paris Hilton!

But anyway, while I was in there and trying to get a little shut-eye, there were three or four inmate trusties sitting outside my cell blabbering loudly in spanish. I asked them fairly politely at first, in English, to please hold it down so I could sleep. They just looked at me blankly, then began laughing and talking about me in spanish as though I wouldn't understand.

Wrong move, chico.

After the last polite request and no backing from the "hispanic" jailer, whose desk was right there, I got up, marched to the front of my cell-- bars, not Plexiglas-- and gave them a huge ration of vitriol in fluent spanish! I literally cussed them up one side and down the other, then told them all to shut the **** up so I could go to sleep. Every single trusty's jaw went slack, and the female finally spoke the first words of English that I had heard from that group the whole night: "Holy crap! You speak perfect spanish!!" I said, "Yes, I do... and I understood every word you and your compadres were saying. Now I suggest that you shut your trap and let me get some sleep before I shut it for you."

From that point on, I had all the coffee, TP, and books I could have possibly wanted and also became a trusty three days before release (I was in for 6 days before getting Time Served) thanks to their vote. I also didn't hear another word of spanish for the rest of my stay.

When I asked them about their status after we had warmed up to each other, they all assured me that they were "anchor babies"... their parents or some other relative were here illegally. Gee, imagine that. Funny how they can be born here and receive an education in American schools, and learn English in those schools, yet they still choose spanish as their primary language. When I asked about that paradox, they had no firm answer. Gee, imagine THAT!!