The new citizenship test
Posted by Joel Schwartzberg September 04, 2007 8:26AM
http://blog.nj.com/njv_joel_schwartzber ... _test.html



Responding to charges it was out of touch with real life -- and utterly useless as a terrorism-fighting tool -- the Immigration and Naturalization Service has redesigned its citizenship* exam to help new Americans assimilate more easily and to weed out those with unpatriotic intentions.

"Everyone knows that American culture is not a melting pot, but a salad bar," said New Jersey INS official Guadalupe Chen-Silverstein, "This new test is basically saying 'hey, we need a better sneeze guard!"

Do you consider yourself adequately naturalized or naturally challenged? We've secretly acquired an early version of the exam. Test yourself with some of the new questions below:


MULTIPLE CHOICE

1) Which of the following is an official language of the United States?

a. English
b. Spanish
c. Spanglish
d. Ebonics
e. Pilates
f. "James Brown"

2) When in a bathroom stall, if you block the door, tap your foot, and touch your shoe to the shoe of the person in the next stall, which of the following are you asking for?

a. More toilet paper
b. Sex
c. Votes

3) Identify and briefly describe the contributions of at least three of the following four influential Americans:

a. SpongeBob Squarepants
b. Tony Soprano
c. Ronald McDonald
d. Paula Abdul

4) To the best of your knowledge, please list the average purchase price of each of the following domestic items

a. One quart of lactose-free milk
b. One loaf of whole wheat bread
c. One pound of enriched, weapons-grade uranium

5) An American is only allowed to vote when which of the following conditions are met?

a. He or she is over 25
b. He or she has a driver's license
c. All the contestants have finished singing

6) Complete the sentence: Trans fat is...

a. Good for you
b. Bad for you
c. An airline for obese people

7) In which of the following moments is it appropriate to make a racist or anti-Semitic remark?

a. On the radio
b. As you're being arrested
c. During a political campaign
d. In front of your kids


ESSAY QUESTIONS

1) Hey, ummm, are you a terrorist?

2) What's the maximum number of items allowed in a supermarket "express line"?

3) Please define "Mission Accomplished." Now define it another way.

4) Name four television channels that come included in a basic, but not premium, cable package.

5) What's the practical purpose of an "appetizer?"

6) What's the difference between TiVo and a DVR?

7) No, really, are you a terrorist?

Name 12 things a cell phone can do besides send and receive phone calls

9) Paper or plastic?

10) Is it kind or unkind to rewind?

11) In 50 words or less, please fix our healthcare system.

*Citizenship void where prohibited or unseemly.