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Illegal immigration a laughing matter?

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Posted: January 20, 2007
1:00 a.m. Eastern

Pat Boone

This Internet phenomenon is just incredible, isn't it?

Millions and millions of us boot up every day – usually with some specific tasks to accomplish – and invariably get "stuck," like Brer Rabbit with the Tar Baby in the Uncle Remus story, attracted by headlines and stories and especially e-mails from all over. Some are funny (and meant to be), some are ridiculous, some are quite thoughtful and substantive, and once in a while, something falls in your lap that you feel you just must share with others. And, like you I'll bet, I do just that.


Like the following serio-comic one that seems so pertinent and wise, sent to me by Ashton Hardy:

Becoming Illegal (From a Maryland resident to his senator)
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien, and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one, and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year, so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health-care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin [name fictitious]

There are times when humor may be the best way to deal with a very serious subject – especially when the subject is as divisive, as controversial in many circles, as illegal immigration. No matter what your position on this issue may be, while you're chuckling at "Pete's" absurd application, you can't help but realize there is also absurdity in the real life dilemma we're dealing with.

The officials tell us there are somewhere between 12 and 14 million absolutely illegal aliens already living and thriving in America right now. Yes, many may be working in honest jobs and contributing in some ways to the general welfare, but that doesn't change the fact that they are, by definition, criminal. Lawbreakers. Illegal.

And, to my mind, the worst criminals are the employers who aid and abet and promote the criminal process, hiring people they know full well are in the country illegally. That's what criminals do – they break the law and cause others to break the law – to make money. Illegally. When caught and found guilty, they go to prison, as they ought to.

But what's the answer? These millions of illegals, most of them nice and otherwise laudable folks, are here, right? The specter of trying to round them all up and herd them back across the border is nightmarish to contemplate. It would likely create a low-grade civil war, partly because so many big-hearted and compassionate Americans empathize with the aliens; who doesn't?

And yet I haven't heard anybody, even the ACLU or outright alien organizations, declare that our immigration laws should be lax enough to freely admit terrorists, drug dealers, revolutionaries, seditionists, pedophiles and other known criminals. The laws have been fashioned to protect society and to create an orderly way for honest people to share in the American dream, as citizens – not invaders or scofflaws.

So, since there is the necessity to have and enforce laws regarding immigration, the following solution seems the only logical answer: Demand that every single illegal alien register and stay visible, while learning the history and language and laws of the United States, so that in no more than three years – extremely generous, seems to me – he or she can take and pass the same tests all other legal immigrants passed. Nobody would be deported except those who won't do what this country has always required – to live peacefully and obey our laws.

And in an efficiently phased program, every employer should be commanded to check thoroughly on the legal status of all employees, under penalty of prison terms for knowingly hiring illegal – and therefore criminal – aliens. Sure, employers will have to pay more, and much of the increase will be added to the cost of goods and services, but the increases won't begin to equal the billions of dollars being charged to American taxpayers as they pay for education, health care and other privileges being accessed by these millions of illegals.

We can smile with "Pete" and his application, but we just can't succumb to his implied advice: "If you can't lick 'em – join 'em."

No, there aren't easy solutions here. Only right ones.