Cracking Up

February 6, 2008 - 15:24 ET

GLENN: Glad we can all rally around John McCain. It's great. We've got amnesty right around the corner, we have the closure of Guantanamo Bay, we have less information from terrorists, we have a 50-cent a gallon gas tax coming thanks to McCain/Lieberman, more assaults on the First Amendment, possibly the fairness doctrine although I don't know how we could make a case for the fairness doctrine because the media today is going to start to make the case that Rush Limbaugh and everybody on talk radio's completely irrelevant.

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Here's the real case on talk radio. Our listeners are not zombies. We don't have zombies listening to us. We have thinking individuals. We have smart, educated, wealthy individuals that listen to our programs. Not all of them, but I know because I've seen the stats on the top three, they are wealthy, successful, educated people. Wealthy, successful, educated people generally aren't zombies. So they're not zombies. So why would we need a fairness doctrine? I love this. We're so powerful, we can change everything and that's why they need to shut us down with the fairness doctrine and yet now they will make the case that we're completely irrelevant. Well, let's go with we're completely irrelevant. Let's carry that banner: Talk radio is completely irrelevant because as long as they believe that, there won't be a fairness doctrine.

Now here's might have favorite story of the day. Running as a conservative, John McCain rolled up huge victories last night, New York, New Jersey and beyond. Running as a conservative is what helped him win in New York and New Jersey. Running as a conservative. Because they love them. Let me just say this. Running as a conservative helped him roll up huge victories last night in New York and New Jersey. I've got to tell you if I believe one more conservative on the streets of New York and New Jersey (laughing). Right now you walk up in the street and you see somebody who's -- it happened this morning with me with Pat Buchanan. Pat Buchanan comes into the elevator. I'm in the elevator and Pat's in the elevator and I look at him. I'm like, Pat (crying), the conservative. We hugged each other for a while. "I feel so alone (crying)." There are no conservatives in Manhattan! They've all been locked away. They have all gone insane. All the conservatives are rocking back and forth some place in Bellevue going, I just don't get it, I just don't understand it. And New Jersey? That's how John McCain won big in New Jersey because of the conservative stance he took?

Now, here's the best part of the story. Running as a conservative, John McCain rolled up huge victories last night in New York, New Jersey and beyond but if history is any guide, the McCain that we've seen of late on the campaign trail is the most conservative John McCain we will see. He's taken a commanding lead now in the GOP primary and packaging himself as a true conservative committed to limited government to slash federal spending and avowed conservative Supreme Court justices. His claim, he claims the mantle of Ronald Reagan, even claims the mantle of Barry Goldwater, conservatives' crash version of Reagan. But as McCain clinches the GOP nomination, he will now begin his leftward lurch.

So John McCain now is going to go left. Oh. Who would have seen that coming? How far left is he going to go? I think he's already there. Quote, quote: Stu, who was the flip-flopper?

STU: Well, Glenn, I've learned, if I've learned one thing from political advertising, it's that Mitt Romney is a flip-flopper.

GLENN: Yeah. John McCain's not a flip-flopper, right?

STU: No. Straight Talk Express.

GLENN: Stu.

STU: Yes?

GLENN: I don't think I can do this job anymore (crying). I don't. I don't think I can do this job anymore. I really done.

STU: We need to get Pat Gray on the phone, see if he feels like maybe doing an hour and a half or so today.

GLENN: I just don't know how to do it anymore without going insane.

STU: You need to stop letting it bother you.

GLENN: It's not bothering me.



STU: It is bothering you. It's driving you insane.

GLENN: It's not bothering me. I don't know how to make sense of it anymore. This is my job. My job is to try to make sense of stuff. I can't make sense of this.

STU: Who told you that it makes sense? What person came to you and said this world makes sense? That person doesn't make sense.

GLENN: Listen to this. Listen to this next sentence: John McCain will now return to his lifelong positions as soft on illegal immigration, skeptical of tax cuts and favoring strong federal control over things like campaign financing.

STU: Well, Glenn, I mean, think about it.

GLENN: I need a psychiatrist on the phone.

STU: I think --

GLENN: I need a psychiatrist on the phone right now. I need a psychiatrist. Clear the phones.

STU: Clear some phones and just --

GLENN: I need an actual board certified --

STU: I love this idea.

GLENN: There's not been any kind of, you know, real bad lawsuits in your career.

STU: We can tell you over --

GLENN: You don't work out of the basement of your house.

STU: That's probably fine even.

GLENN: No.

STU: We tell you over and over again that you're crazy but you need to hear it from a professional.

GLENN: This is media. This is the media. What has the media been telling us? "Oh, no, he's a real conservative. Oh, no, no, he's not a flip-flopper, no." Now they are saying this whole sham that he put up as a conservative, now he's going to shed it. He's going to dart left and he's going to go back to his lifelong positions, the ones that we've been trying to point out have been lifelong... which one of us is insane?! I want to know.

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