FBI Arrests Grover Norquist in Connection to Boston Bombing!

By Nick Taxia / 30 April 2013

The following is satire.

by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief

(WASHINGTON) — Just hours after the Boston Marathon bombing, with no evidence of who the culprit(s) may have been, senior Obama advisor David Axelrod said the President suspected the bombing “may have had something to do with it being Tax Day” (April 15th), implying the terrorists were domestic anti-tax or federal government zealots, similar to Timothy McVeigh of the Oklahoma City bombing.

Thus, despite the fact that brothers Tamerlan (deceased, 26) and Dzhokhar (apprehended, 19) Tsarnaev have been positively identified as the Boston Marathon bombers, the FBI still raided the Washington office of Grover Norquist, the founder and president of the “radical” group Americans for Tax Reform Wednesday morning.

The FBI admits not a shred of evidence has been found linking the 57-year-old conservative flat-tax advocate to the Boston bombers. But the fact that Norquist is such an outspoken opponent of the lengthy U.S. tax code makes him a prime suspect for any act of terror on Tax Day, according to the feds.
“We must put these (Tsarnaev) brothers aside for now and look at other motivations … and therefore other culprits,” said FBI spokesperson Jaclyn Moulton, Wednesday after Norquist’s early morning arrest. “There’s currently no evidence linking Mr. Norquist to the Tsarnaev brothers or the Marathon bombing — all the more reason to arrest and investigate him!

The bombing happened on Tax Day and Boston’s “Patriot Day,” according to Moulton. “…And we know (Grover) Norquist considers himself a ‘patriot’ who hates taxes. I’m confident we’ll find evidence that connects him to these bombings. We have already discovered a pressure cooker in his house with a leftover turkey and gravy in it. … Left over from when, huh? Thanksgiving was months ago!”

Continued Moulton, “How (Norquist) is connected to the Tsarnaev brothers we still don’t know. …We’re investigating any hatred the Tsarnaev brothers had towards state or federal taxes, but certainly not their obsession with radical Islam. We’re not even considering that at as a motivator at this point.”
Department of Homeland Security officials speaking on conditions of anonymity said that even if not involved in the April 15th Boston attack, the famed tax-fighter, whose influence has weighed so heavily on Republicans lawmakers in Congress, should be held indefinitely. “When I think ‘lunatic bomber,’ I think Grover Norquist. “…I don’t know who couldn’t?” an unnamed source from Director Janet Napolitano’s office told Duh Progressive Wednesday.

Norquist had just appeared on Fox News’ Your World with Cavuto Tuesday afternoon discussing immigration reform, breaking from his usual area of expertise (taxes), an aspect sources within Janet Napolitano’s office say made Norquist a greater threat to the public.

“Norquist’s comments on immigration reform prove he was beginning to branch out into other areas of politics and public debate,” said the unnamed DHS source. “Even if (Norquist) is proved innocent of the Boston bombing, the fact he had begun to ‘expand his operations’ shows he was a growing menace. We were right to arrest him, regardless.”

Norquist was last seen and photographed being escorted off a plane by military MPs at a Naval base in Norfork, Virginia, rumored to be a common stopping point for suspected terrorists and “enemy combatants’” to be interrogated before being shipped to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (which President Obama proudly and so swiftly closed upon taking office in 2009, as everyone knows). The Department of Homeland Security has yet to officially comment in Norquist’s surprising early-morning arrest, but the FBI’s Jaclyn Moulton said the Bureau is not in charge nor is she aware of how long Norquist will remain in Norfolk, or if he will eventually find his way to “Gitmo” to spend indefinite time among Muslim jihadists and no doubt haters of outrageously complex and lengthy tax codes.

“This is America turned upside-down!” said a furious Senator Lindsey Graham, himself an outspoken critic of the U.S. intelligence community, including Janet Napolitano’s handling of the Tsarnaev brothers, the oldest of which had been on a terrorist watch list prior to the Tax Day bombing. Graham said the government’s sudden arrest of Norquist was “outrageous,” and a prime example of the type of persecution seen in Russia, ironically the nation that warned the U.S. about the oldest radical brother, Tamerlan.

“A man who’s spent his career fighting high taxes is ‘assumed’ to be connected to this tragedy in Boston because it happened on ‘tax deadline day’? Are you (expletive) kidding me?!” Graham roared outside the Senate Wednesday. “These are Gestapo tactics against a prominent opponent of this administration, based on the least amount of circumstantial evidence possible! …Who doesn’t think taxes are too numerous and high?! Who doesn’t think their taxes could be better spent?! Who doesn’t hate paying taxes?! Nobody! This is insane! INSANE, I SAY! …Release Grover, now! Release Grover Now! Release Grover Now! Relea…..”

UPDATE: Live television feed of Senator Graham’s comments about the Norquist arrest was suddenly cut unexpectedly and inexplicably around 11:04 AM. Neither Senator Graham nor his top office staff have been seen since.
The Preceding is satire.