Imaginay Jobs, Imaginary Math, Imaginary Congressional Districts

How I Saved Or Created 4,730,400,003 Jobs

By Ron Marr
Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I woke up this morning and stretched my aching limbs. You see, I’ve been running the chain saw quite a lot recently, bringing in the wood that will keep me from freezing during what promises to be a cold and wet Ozark winter.

I engage in this task not just for myself, and not just for the benefit of Boris, my blind and ancient Alaskan malamute. Hardly . . . I am imbued with a much greater purpose, an overwhelming sense of global obligation.

Despite the pain of stiff muscles, I was filled with a sense of joy. You see, as I do every morning, I quickly punched in a few numbers on my official, wind-powered, Obama-brand, stimulus calculator. I realized that by the act of slicing up trees I had saved or created countless jobs. What’s more, my trusty Husqvarna chain saw – named Dexter – had furthered this process due to his razor-sharp chain and 46cc engine. Such largesse, the boon to humanity that has come with embracing the mathematical equation for survival bestowed upon us by the anointed Obama (may his feet be clad in slippers of armadillo fur) made me smile.

And yet, such was but the beginning of the warm glow of universal joy that permeated my loins. In the words of John Paul Jones, we had not yet begun to save or create jobs.

The estimated height of the average oak I lop is around fifty feet. In very approximate figures, that would put said oak at about thirty years of age. Now, according to the population division of the United Nations, the world experiences 216,000 births every day, or 78,840,000 births per year. This next part gets a little tricky – it was Barbie who once told us, “Math is hard