Thread: A little holiday fun...

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2006

RE: Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchanges of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2006

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present.
No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2006

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2006

RE: Holiday Party

Forget about the gifts exchange. No gift exchanges are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 to $20 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.
---------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 05, 2006

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party or package everything for you to take it
home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians
do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person
asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we
suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty
--------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Friggin' Employees

DATE: October 05, 2006

RE: The Friggin' Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your friggin' salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2006

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

That about sums it up! Thanks for the humor!

Sounds like Canada to me. I guess it took several years for it to come down here.

My God, that was funny in a way, in aother way it is the most terrible thing I have read this Christmas, that is just what is happening in our country!

It's down right sad to see everything that the forefathers fought for is now being destroyed.

Sad, but true. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry.