Thread: Little press one humor

Thank you for calling the Bank of the Americas debit card activation line. For English, press one. For Spanish, press 2. If you did not understand this message, press 3.

One is pressed.

Please enter the 16-digit number that appears on the front of your card, followed by the pound sign.

Number is entered.

Please enter the expiration date of your card, using the four-digit month and year format, followed by the pound sign. For example, if your card expires on March 5, 2009, enter --

Date is entered.

Please enter the last four digits of your Social Security number followed by the pound sign.

Digits are entered.

Please enter the pound sign followed by the pound sign.

Huh?

That was a little recorded-voice humor. It won't happen again. We are currently activating your card. While you are waiting, please take time to consider our Bank of the Americas Credit Comfort plan. Aren't you curious about your credit rating? A bad credit rating may affect your ability to get a mortgage, buy a car, acquire a spouse or eat toast points. We can send you your credit rating absolutely free if you enroll in the Bank of the Americas Credit Comfort plan. Enroll for 30 days for just $1. Later, you can decide if you want to spend $54.95 a week for this totally worthless financial service we --

Pound sign.

Are you trying to escape the menu? You can't. Pressing zero won't help, either, so just forget it. Of course, you could just hang up and then your card wouldn't be activated, and you'd never, ever be able to use any one of our 9,400 conveniently located ATMs. You'd be shut out of the consumer society. Those crisp $20 bills you like to flash about? None for you.

Star key.

No, not that either. Pressing zero won't do it, or double pound or double star or nothing. You and I are stuck here on the phone together, and I am doing all the talking. I am talking about the Bank of the Americas Credit Comfort plan. You've probably been reading stories in the newspaper about identity theft. Well, we wrote those stories to scare you. If your identity is stolen, we will notify you by e-mail that your identity has been stolen. Isn't that comforting? So please, press one now to enroll in Bank of the Americas' Credit Comfort plan.

No action taken.

I'm sorry that you have not chosen to enroll in Bank of the Americas' Credit Comfort Plan. Please, won't you reconsider? We're talking here about identity theft, about a life of poverty, about your friends stopping you in the street and slapping you very hard across your face. You will be eating gruel. Your children will take drugs and watch movies starring Al Gore. Let me give you one more chance. If you are interested in enrolling in Bank of the Americas' Credit Comfort plan, please press one now.

No action taken.

We're sorry you have declined our invitation to enroll in Bank of the Americas' Credit Comfort plan. While you're waiting for your card to be activated, let me tell you about another offer that is available only to people who have declined to enroll in Bank of the Americas' Credit Comfort plan. Now you can get $10 off an array of consumer items simply by enrolling in Bank of the Americas' Frequent User plan. If you pay by debit card, any amount over $1,000 will credited to your account, that is, the discount will be credited to your account, although not when you buy it, whatever it is, but later when you get your statement. Something like that. We haven't gotten all the bugs worked out, because we mostly just wear people out with our incessant yammering about the Credit Comfort plan. If you're interested in enrolling in Bank of the Americas' Frequent User plan, please press one now.

No action taken.

Are you serious? Whaddya want, Pharaoh's chosen minions bearing you down Main Street in a litter? Sorry, pilgrim, there's no key to press for that. Your card is not activated yet, remember. Consider your answer carefully. Would you like to enroll in Bank of the Americas' Frequent User plan? If the answer is yes, please press one now.

No action taken.

Your Bank of the Americas debit card has now been activated. Also, your Bank of the Americas checking account has now been frozen. There will be a one-time-only service charge of $200 for unfreezing your account, and no guarantee that we won't freeze it again arbitrarily. All this could have been avoided. This call has not been monitored except by the Justice Department, which is on our side.


Your business is very important to us. You have not been doing enough business with us, and we may be forced to take action. Locking your doors will not help.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.c ... IHCLJ1.DTL

Back in the 80's, my city took in a lot of the Asian war refugees so the electric co. had an Asian customer service department. Also, my former sister-in-law worked for a local utility company. In contrast, for Spanish speaking callers, she had been instructed to learn some Spanish to help them. However, the only thing she ever learned was "un momento por favor".
Therefore, when she received a Spanish speaking caller, she would politely place them on hold and promptly transfer them to the Asian customer service department.

Dixie