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Illegal immigration: much ado 'aboot' nothing
Tyler Vogler
Issue date: 1/28/09 Section: Opinion


I agree with my colleague, Nick Maurus (see Monday, Jan. 26 editorial of the Western Courier). We are in the midst of an invasion. America, our beautiful country built on freedom, liberty, tolerance and acceptance, is under siege.

With so much attention unfairly focused on America's southern border, I believe it is important to shift focus to the north.

No one knows exactly how many illegal Canadian immigrants are living within our borders. It is safe to assume the numbers are in the tens of hundreds.

The illegal Canadians are a drain on our resources. They do not pay taxes, but drive on our roads, rent our library books and take advantage of our obviously superior, non-universal, privatized healthcare.

The illegal Canadians are more dangerous than their Mexican counterparts because illegal Canadians take jobs Americans actually want. They are stealing wages from Joe the Plumber.

Look at the statistics: one industry hit especially hard by Canadian immigration is American radio. American-born recording artists have been forced out of the business by the likes of Celine Dion, Shania Twain and Avril Lavigne.

They are living among us. They could be your coworker, your roommate, your grandmother - anyone. Beware, Macomb citizens, because they have invaded the small towns, too! Their ease of assimilation makes them an even greater threat to the fabric of our American culture.

That being said, there are a few ways to spot an illegal Canadian. You must be smart and vigilant to protect against the Maple Leaf.

Most illegal Canadians use their native dialect and refuse to speak decent, understandable American like the rest of us. Be mindful of the accent. One of the easiest ways to spot it is the telltale "about," which becomes "aboot." Think Sarah Palin, only less patriotic. In addition, most illegal Canadians have been noted to use a colloquial phrase "eh," at the end of their sentences.

Illegal Canadians also have been known to have a fond love of hockey instead of American sports like baseball and soccer.

Most dangerous of all is Canada's potential destructive effect on the conservative, Christian values that America stands for. Canada is notoriously liberal, being home to countless Vietnam draft dodgers. They have socialized medicine. Some of them have even been known to speak French! I won't even start about their bizarre custom of pairing french fries with white vinegar.

The problem of Canadian illegal immigration is difficult to solve. Hopefully, President Obama can form some kind of task force to develop tests to identify Canadians from Americans. He should also author strict deportation laws to ensure that no illegal Canadian criminals are left inside our borders.

In fact, there may be only one sure way to fix the problem of Canadian illegal immigration: construct a giant concrete fence spanning the width of the American-Canadian border. Unfortunately, Alaska (and Sarah Palin, as well) must be let go, because their separation from the Union is an extreme vulnerability. America will always consider our Alaskans silent heroes of the cause.

I have faith that President Obama's administration will keep the problem of illegal immigration high on his task list and, in time, our country will develop a solution to handle the problem.

Until then, be alert and be aware, eh.
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