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The week's best late-night laughs

By FREE PRESS NEWS SERVICES


LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN

It was a beautiful day here in New York. It was unbelievable. It was so great I pretended I was an immigrant and took the day off.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favour of Anna Nicole Smith. Guess that lap dance for Clarence Thomas paid off.

Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Most popular member of the administration -- that's like being MVP of the Knicks.

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

Hundreds of thousands of mostly Hispanic immigrants skipped work to protest the immigration reform they're putting before Congress. I'll be honest -- I don't want to get political, but I don't understand these people who want to come to this country. Instead of sneaking in, if you want to become a citizen, you do it the right way: You have Angelina Jolie adopt you.

Keith Richards was in Fiji, he decided to climb a coconut tree and he fell and got a concussion. How high do you have to be to be a 62-year-old man who is not Gilligan and decide to climb a coconut tree?

THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

In support of immigration reform, illegal aliens across the country staged "a day without immigrants," demonstrating their fierce desire to work in this country by taking the afternoon off.

Conservatives would like to make illegal immigration a felony, President Bush favours a "guest worker" program and Democrats pray that nobody asks them what they think about anything.

While our elected officials struggle with the immigration debate, unelected unofficials are taking matters into their own hands: Last weekend, a group of so-called Minutemen border patrollers put up a 100-yard barb wire fence across the U.S.-Mexico border. Wow -- only 3,000 miles to go.

LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN

Thousands of legal and illegal aliens staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday.

Paris Hilton announced that she has dropped her catchphrase, "That's hot," in favour of her new catchphrase, "That's sexy." Apparently, the new catchphrase narrowly beat out Hilton's second choice, "That's herpes."

It's been reported that when Rosie O'Donnell joins the cast of The View, Star Jones may leave. Experts say this is good news, because how much eye candy can America take?

TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO

OK, a question. If we don't meet the illegal immigrants' demands, what are they going to do? Leave? What happens?

I don't think President Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory.

According to a National Geographic study, one-third of people responding to a recent survey could not find Louisiana on a map -- and those were just the people who work for FEMA.