State needs a grumbly new motto to go with possible immigration policy

TexasStatesman
January 8, 2011
By John Kelso

Some of the new immigration legislation being pumped up for the upcoming Texas legislative session sounds so unfriendly that even some business types are thinking, "Now wait just a doggone minute."

Some of this stuff is so blatantly unneighborly that Bill Hammond, executive director of the Texas Association of Business, a group that's usually good buddies with the Republicans, was quoted in this newspaper as saying that Texas might ought to file a bill to change the state's motto.

The state's motto is "Friendship." Considering the less than warm and fuzzy nature of some of these proposed immigration laws, maybe the new state motto should be "Texas Hold 'Em? How 'Bout Texas Spread 'Em."

I asked Hammond if he had any new mottos under his hat. "No, I'm going to leave that to the legislators who want to change the immigration laws," he said. "I think they should be the ones to propose the new motto."

Trouble is, I'm not sure that bunch is creative enough to come up with a classy one.

There's no doubt that some of these bright bill ideas don't exactly fit under the category of "Howdy, how's it goin'?" One bill would make it a state crime if a person enters the country illegally and is detained for other offenses.

Another would make school districts find out the citizenship of the students. And another would take state funding away from towns that don't enforce immigration laws.

This is all part of the Legislature's new EZ Immigration Package.

This immigration package really is EZ and would work like this. If a driver looks like his name ends in EZ, such as Gonzalez, Hernandez or Rodriguez, police in Texas would be required to pull him over.

Actually, I just made that one up.

But can you blame Hammond for being concerned. I sure can't.

These kinds of laws could lead to boycotts and drive away conventioneers and tourists.

I guess we've all heard about Arizona's boycott problems, right?

Which led to the following motto: "I'd Rather Stay At Home-a Than Get Drunk in Arizona."

And speaking of mottos, if Texas follows Arizona's lead and makes driving while Hispanic a misdemeanor, maybe we should junk "Friendship" as our state motto and come up with something else.

Here are some lines I'd like to suggest for a new Texas motto:

"Texas: What are You Lookin' at?"

"Texas: Last One Over the Rio Grande is a Rotten Egg."

"Texas: Come on Vacation, End Up on Probation."

"Texas: 10, 9, 8, 7 ... "

"Welcome to Texas; Step Away From the Leaf Blower."

"Texas: Watch Your Head While I'm Shoving You Into the Back Seat."

"Texas: Hey, Hey, Ho, Ho, Guys Named Pancho Got to Go."

"Texas: Y'all Come Back Now When You've Got a Green Card, Y'Hear?"

"Texas: How Do You Say, ‘Move Along, Buddy,' in Spanish?"

"Texas: Press 1 If You Want English, Press 2 If You Were Just Leaving."

John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.

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