Thread: Jokes for Koobster

Originally Posted by Gogo

lol..I'm a telecommuter and I've worked in my robe many times but never this outfit! aaahahahaha!!!

I have a hysterical joke to post, but it does have a couple of swear words...would I get in trouble? It's a 'clean' joke but has two or three swear words.

Originally Posted by PatrioticMe

I have a hysterical joke to post, but it does have a couple of swear words...would I get in trouble? It's a 'clean' joke but has two or three swear words.

the posted words would end up looking like this: ****, unless of course they are not on the naughty word list

Originally Posted by cayla99

Originally Posted by PatrioticMe

I have a hysterical joke to post, but it does have a couple of swear words...would I get in trouble? It's a 'clean' joke but has two or three swear words.

the posted words would end up looking like this: V****V, unless of course they are not on the naughty word list

Oooohhh! Ok, thanks, Cayla!

I literally sat in my chair and stomped my feet, laughing till I cried when I read this. I hope Koobster does too!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased
his lovely wife a pocket
Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked
my interest. The
occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for
a little something extra for
my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were
supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to
safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.

I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND
pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on
the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home
alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right?

There I sat in my
recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while
I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
needed to try this thing
out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second)
and
thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did
want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading
glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient
your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would
purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I'm looking
at this little device
measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy
triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
second burst from
such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to
give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me
up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position,
with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles
nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my
legs?

The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an atempt to
avoid getting slammed
by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, one
note of
caution: there is no such thing as a
one second burst when you zap
yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand
by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be
considered
conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH,
THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at
that point), I collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of
the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face
felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed
88 lbs. I had no control
over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself,
but was too numb to know for sure and my
sen se of smell was gone. I
saw
a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from
my hair. I'm
still looking for my
nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
me with it!

'If you think
Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Good for him lolol, I will never understand why, when a man buys anything electronic for anybody as a gift, they always have to "play" with it first. LOL

Originally Posted by cayla99

Good for him lolol, I will never understand why, when a man buys anything electronic for anybody as a gift, they always have to "play" with it first. LOL

Oh, I think they're just like us with our kitchen gadgets...they just gotta take it for a test drive.

Originally Posted by cayla99

Good for him lolol, I will never understand why, when a man buys anything electronic for anybody as a gift, they always have to "play" with it first. LOL

The system didn't take out the swear words, though. Should I go delete them, do you think?

You all have me laughing so hard I've got mascara running everywhere.......

One of my favorites:

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don't.


I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an as****e!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'as****e' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an as****e!"

It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'as****e' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an as****e!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first as****e (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW as****e, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, It is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an as****e." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two as*****s to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called As****e #1.
"Hello."

"You're an as****e!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

" I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my Black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, as****e." Then I called As****e #2.
"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, as****e," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a*s," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to beat my lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two idiots beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff really works.


~Author Unknown~


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