Late-Night Jokes About Immigration

"Even though (Mexican) President Fox has only been in the United States two days, today the INS said they have no way to find him." --Jay Leno

"The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman

"The Mexican government has been accused of encouraging its citizens to illegally immigrate to the United States. They say they're not. I'm not so sure. Someone sent me a picture of this sign in Mexico [on screen: Salma Hayek. 90 miles]." --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official. He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." -- Jay Leno

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the 'goodest news' he's heard in a long time." --Jay Leno

"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien

"Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national language. The president says making English our national language is not 'discriminatious.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an hour fast ball." --David Letterman

"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina Fey

"Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. ... Experts say a 370-mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year." --Jay Leno

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. ... The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' ... Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno

"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says he's not sure if his grandparents entered the United States legally. As a result, President Bush has sent the entire Gonzales family back to Ireland." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said, "You can't take millions of people with deep roots in the country and send them across the border." Really? Mexico did it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound familiar?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said last night we do not yet have full control of the border. Full control? If we had any less control, there'd be an easy-pass lane." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said in his speech that immigrants have to learn English. The immigrants said, 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"He says before immigrants can become citizens of the United States, they should be able to speak proper English ... except for the word 'nuclear.'" --David Letterman

"The Mexican border will now have surveillance cameras and motion detectors. Our borders will be as secure as The Gap." --David Letterman

[Clip of Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears] Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days]" --Jon