Nancy Pelosi

Speaker From The Black Lagoon

By Ron Marr
Monday, October 26, 2009

Is it just me, or is Nancy Pelosi starting to look more and more like Marty Feldman? Every time I hear that grating voice it seems as if she has ventured further into the world of cartoon and satire, as if someone hooked Smurfette up to a thorazine drip. Those leviathan eyes grow in size with each passing hour, bugging out two feet in front of her body, like somebody dropped a toaster in the water while Nancy’s thyroid was taking a bath.

I could handle the appearance of this most odious of politicians with tact and grace, if such were the only thing wrong with her. We all have our physical imperfections, and far be it from me to judge another upon their looks, or lack thereof. Lord knows, coming from the Ozarks I know plenty of people whose family trees don’t fork. I hardly bat an eye at webbed fingers, antennae, a few missing teeth, a few extra chromosomes, or hooks. On more than one occasion I’ve even had people suggest that, in reality, I might be my own grandpa. That’s just part of life.

No sir, I’m not bothered by the fact that Pelosi resembles a bit player from the uncut version of Young Frankenstein. What rattles my cage is her propensity to lie with aplomb and vigor, to attempt to foist the addled values and socialist mores of San Francrisco on an American public that wants nothing of the sort. You would think that the woman’s proboscis would be growing instead of her eyes, what with the way she side-steps, obfuscates, fibs, falsifies, and consistently avoids the truth as if it was a missionary on a sugar high. Moreover, she tells her whoppers with a condescending arrogance reminiscent of the first-chair head-lopper at the Spanish Inquisition.

Pelosi’s latest fanciful notion, you might be curious to know, lies in her assertion that government-run health care no longer includes any such thing as a public option. In an appearance at a Florida old-folk’s home, Pelosi took the stage to spin out her latest prevarication. Aiming her massive peepers at the audience, her patented cape buffalo hair-do cemented in place by a forty-eight ounce canister of Aquanet, she proceeded to enlighten the crowd.

Nope, there’s not a public option. In Pelosi-speak, the public option shall henceforth be known as either a “consumer option