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9 Exciting Features Coming To Mamdani's City-Run Grocery Store

U.S.·Apr 17, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

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Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced his plan to open a $30 million city-run grocery store in the heart of New York City. While that may seem like a lot of money, this isn't your average Kroger.


Take a look at the following list of amazing features the new taxpayer-funded grocery store will have:

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1. Choice of two different brands of products: Have your pick between carrots or potatoes.
2. A mandatory 3-hour wait time at the register to ensure fairness across all lines: Finally, justice for all.
3. All the cashiers will be ex-cons out on work release: Checkout has never been more exciting.
4. Claw at the exit that turns you upside-down and shakes loose change out: Every penny counts.
5. Produce section that's just a bunch of dirt for you to grow your own veggies: You'll have fresh veggies in just six months — if the hobos don't get to them first.
6. Line where you can hang out for several hours and get a free loaf of bread: It'll be a throwback to a bygone era.
7. Frozen food aisle occasionally thawed to promote climate awareness: Finally, a grocery store that's conscious of its carbon footprint.
8. Groceries in your cart will be intermittently redistributed to other people's carts: No one should ever have more than someone else.
9. The cleanest empty shelves anywhere in the city: Truly a cut above the rest.

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With perks like these, that hefty $30 million price tag seems like a real bargain. What else do you expect Mamdani's store to have? Post your suggestions in the comments.




9 Exciting Features Coming To Mamdani's City-Run Grocery Store | Babylon Bee

Californians Move To Texas | Season 2 Episode 1: The Rodeo

Californians Move To Texas | Season 2 Episode 1: The Rodeo

The Babylon Bee

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Premiered Apr 7, 2026
Everyone's favorite transplants from California, Steve and Timpani, are adjusting to life in Texas when a surprise visit from Timpani’s sister, Brittuni, leads them to a day at the rodeo.

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