Thread: I am a proud illegal immigrant (humor)

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Steve Liebowitz, The Examiner
Jun 21, 2006 7:00 AM (1 hr 39 mins ago)

BALTIMORE - I am a proud illegal immigrant that has been living in the United States for years, basking in the fruits and vegetables of my labor. I say this not an attempt to rile those who feel I should go through the motions to obtain legitimacy, but because I feel that this is a moot issue.


But before your face turns red with anger and your veins start to pop out of your neck in a grotesque fashion, let me explain my sordid tale.

I was born into a family of wealthy peasants in the small South American country of San Beleaga. Not many people have heard of this country or of the concept of wealthy peasants. This was accomplished by many years of secrecy and deception. You see, San Beleaga was ruled by a ruthless and dishonest government under President Elmoldo Biacaniversitavia. You can look it up.

Biacaniversitavia (say that five times) ordered the death of all citizens who had accumulated a certain level of wealth. It was well known that only those who were privileged to serve in the government were allowed any type of freedom or wealth.

My cousin, a soybean counter by the name of Jeffero Sha, was discovered to have hidden thousands of San Beleaga dollars in his shack. The authorities arrested him and tortured him in confinement. They had his screams recorded and later sampled them into a rhythm mix that was a big hit in the country’s dance clubs.

But I digress. The police were tipped off that my family had hidden much money in our small hut. My father owned a meager farm that produced tomatoes and cacti and we would work 13 hours a day just to cultivate the crops.

Because there was little time for leisure, a social life for me consisted of watching Readers Digest condensed versions of movies. I actually saw “Gone With The Wind” nine times one night, and I thought Rhett Butler was the butler.

My mother would work all hours of the night and sew the tomatoes and cacti together by hand to create a popular souvenir that was sold to visiting tourists in San Beleaga. From our bloated prices, we made a small fortune from stupid well-to-do people who would pick up the cacti with their bare hands and bleed all over our display table.

Before the police could descend on us that night, my father had bought an old ice cream truck and my mother, four sisters, three brothers and I piled into the former freezer and hid. It was psychologically a terrible nightmare.

Imagine being stuck in cramped quarters with your family, no light, sparse oxygen and melted fudge-sicles and popsicles sticking to your clothing. I will never look at an Italian ice the same way.

When we finally reached the United States border, I smelled like a bad smorgasbord, but as Mother bribed a minuteman with a badly copied printout of the U. S. Constitution, we sneaked across and got jobs as tollbooth collectors.

Yes, I am a proud illegal immigrant, but not for long. Because of the pressures these days, I will join the ranks of those generations of proud ethnic groups that came before me to this great country. I will become a legal full-blooded All-American.

And I will join all of you who have more than 10 items in the express lane, who push and shove without caring for others, who won’t say “thank you” when a door is held open for you, who sneer at the homeless, who own pit bulls and Rottweilers and walk them through a crowd thinking you’re the coolest thing on the planet, who kill because you’re bored and who vote for the same candidates year in and year out just because they have the name you’re used to seeing on a ballot.

I can hardly wait.

Steve Liebowitz is a prolific writer of books and articles including “A Consumer’s Guide to Restaurant Bathrooms.” His new book about Atlantic City’s Steel Pier will be released later this year. He can be reached at leebow@verizon.net.
Examiner

Hmmm.....where are the violins and music for another one of many law breaker sob stories? Go home illegal aliens. Take your guns, gangs, drugs, crime, poverty, graffiti, anchor babies, this president and most of the senate with you. Adios munchachos, via condios, hasta lavista babyyyyyy!!!!!

Oh my! Gasp! How awful of me, What have I done? I've been posting terrible things about illegals! What to do? Having read about your plight, Mr. Liebowitz, I've got to re-think my attitude about illegals. Your article is so , uh, enlightening! Things we never knew.

Just two small points, Mr. Liebowitz, before I allow you to convert me to Teddy Kennedy liberalism...

Originally Posted by Steve Liebowitz

South American country of San Beleaga.

Your name doesn't quite seem to be Hispanic, more like Polish.
Maybe you still weren't noticable when you crossed the border.

Steve Liebowitz is a prolific writer of books and articles including “A Consumer’s Guide to Restaurant Bathrooms.”

Bathrooms, Mr. Liebowitz? Before you convert me, since you're a bathroom expert, and an illegal, please enlighten me on the illegals' use of bathrooms as described by Mr. Wooldridge:

Originally Posted by Frosty Wooldridge

If you travel into the Third World such as Mexico, Central and South America, you will notice that while visiting a bathroom there is a box for used toilet paper in the corner and no soap or paper towels at the lavatory. The sewage systems can not handle toilet paper so it is a habit to throw it in the box provided which is open to flies and cockroaches. Additionally, for most Third World people, washing hands is non existent. Today, in California, Florida, Georgia and spreading to other states across the nation, recent arrivals are so accustomed to throwing their used toilet paper into boxes, they throw it into trash cans. Whether they work at the counter or chopping tomatoes, they often do not wash their hands. Thousands carry head lice, leprosy, tuberculosis and hepatitis A, B, and C.

Steve Liebowitz is a prolific writer of books and articles including “A Consumer’s Guide to Restaurant Bathrooms.”

Since your book is also about restaurants, please enlighten me about this.

Originally Posted by Frosty Wooldridge

On November 6, 2003, at a local restaurant chain, Chi-Chi's in Beaver Valley, Pennsylvania, unscreened employees 'served' up plates of infectious hepatitis A to their patrons. Over 3,000 had to receive the painful gammaglobulin shots while two Americans died. Health officials reported, "Workers may have contaminated food by failure to follow basic hygiene in cleaning hands after using the bathroom." The employees were not health screened by the restaurant chain.

One more question, Mr. Liebowtiz, when you crossed the border, were you escorted by Mexican soldiers, MS-13s, or Drug Dealers.

Thank you for enlighten me about how woefully wrong and disrespectful I've been to you illegals.

You don't mind if I continue to be wrong do you? I just can't shake this bad attitude of mine.