Every state flag is wrong, and here is why

By Alexandra Petri June 23 2015

As long as we’re on the subject of flags that should and should not be flown in states, let’s take a moment to talk about state flags.

The Confederate flag on display, from 1938 to today


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Public moments featuring the Confederate flag.

Every state flag is wrong. If you don’t believe me, look at them. Here are the 50 worst.

ALABAMA

(Wikimedia Commons)

Someone gave the state of Alabama a box to check with the question “DO YOU WANT TO CREATE A FLAG” and this was the response. That or Alabama is unable to write its name and has to sign everything with a big red X. In general, it is a poor idea to pick as your flag an image that could be regarded as a negative answer to the question, “Should you visit Alabama?”

ALASKA

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Alaska, that’s not a flag. That’s a child’s crude rendition of the Big Dipper.

ARIZONA

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Come on, Arizona. What is this? Are you Imperial Japan? No, you’re not. Get it together.

ARKANSAS

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What is this, Arkansas? This looks like a design for a Confederate ketchup bottle.

CALIFORNIA

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Okay, California. Half credit for containing a bear. But you have not been a Republic since 1846, so this flag is misleading. I guess the words “California Republic” were necessary because otherwise you could be mistaken for something having to do with the Soviet Union.

COLORADO

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Colorado, this is worse than the Hillary 2016 logo, and that’s saying something. I could have come up with something more visually dynamic in MS Paint.

(Wikimedia Commons)
Go home, Connecticut. You’re drunk. At least you say something that isn’t “Connecticut” but…”He Who Transplanted, Sustains”? If that’s what you picked, what did you reject? “He Who Mulched, Will Probably Check For Aphids”?

DELAWARE

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“Were we supposed to dress up for this?” the guy on the left is asking. “I didn’t, but it looks as though you did. And why is there a cow?” Whatever committee designed this flag clearly solicited suggestions for what should go on a flag of Delaware and then said “YES” to all of them. Date? Seal? Cow? Ship? Motto? Hoe? Guy In A Fancy Hat? Sure, why not! Slap ’em all on.

FLORIDA

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“Can we just use the Alabama flag?” Florida asked.
“No.”
“How about if we put our seal on it?”
“Yeah. I guess, but –”
“Great.”

GEORGIA

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I see what you did there, Georgia. “But if we put the words ‘Wisdom’ ‘Constitution,’ ‘Justice’ and ‘Moderation’ on it, they’ll never guess that it’s secretly a Confederate flag 1.0.”
“How about if we put WIS DOM on instead?”
“Sure, okay.”

HAWAII

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“Okay, I have a perfect idea for a state flag. We average the British and American flags, but with a hint of Yugoslavia!”
“Sure. What state is this for, again?”
“Hawaii.”

IDAHO

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“I”m worried. There’s a lot going on here. Horses. Horns of plenty. A big steaming pile of what I hope is dirt. How will they know it’s Idaho?”
“I know! Let’s put the name on TWICE!”

ILLINOIS

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This ill eagle should be illegal. Why is “Sovereignty” upside down? None of the other words are. A lot going on here, none of it good.

INDIANA

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Indiana made this in six minutes just before class ended!

IOWA

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Iowa tried to turn in the French flag as its own work, but Iowa’s older brother told it to put “an eagle with, like, something in its beak” on, too, to throw the teacher off.

KANSAS

(Wikimedia Commons)
I’m not sure, but I think this is the logo for Oregon Trail.

KENTUCKY

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This flag is uncomfortably intense, like Daniel Boone just wishes he knew how to quit you, Henry Clay. Points for “Commonwealth,” though.

LOUISIANA

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Union. Justice. Confidence. Pelican cannibalism.

MAINE

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“I LOOK LIKE A PIRATE, BUT IN MY HEART WHAT I AM IS A PAINTER. SEE, LOOK, I MADE A MOOSE UNDER A BIG TREE. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. I HAVE A CUTLASS.”

MARYLAND

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Maryland was told that the primary use of flags was in NASCAR and designed its own accordingly.

MASSACHUSETTS

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OH GOD, THERE’S SOMEONE CLIMBING OUT OF THE MASSACHUSETTS FLAG, AND HE’S GOT A WEAPON.

MICHIGAN

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“Yes, of course we have people in Michigan,” this flag says. “It’s just full of people. That is why we have a moose and an elk holding up this sign with a picture of what appears to be a jovially waving yeti on it. But everyone else here is people. And we totally know how to spell TUBER.”

MINNESOTA

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Minnesota bought more supplies than it needed for this project, but it tried really, really hard to work them all in.

MISSISSIPPI

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“Two words: Confederate Yugoslavia.”
“But neither of those places exists any longer.”
“Sounds to me like their flags are free for the taking.”
“Well –”
“MISSISSIPPI!”

MISSOURI

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Remain calm. The state of Missouri definitely has not been overrun with bears, and they definitely did not kill a fat knight and use his body to display a crude coat of arms, one part of which is an image of another bear. There is nothing to see in Missouri.

MONTANA

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I take it back. This is the Oregon Trail logo. Good of them to put the name on.

NEBRASKA

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“Put a blacksmith and a train on it,” Nebraska said. “And don’t change the default background at all, not even a little. No one pays attention to state flags, right?”

NEVADA

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Nevada was not told the correct size for the file it was supposed to upload. When asked if it wanted to change what it had sent, Nevada said, “Nah.”

NEW HAMPSHIRE

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“I have a love of ships. What can I say? They transport food around the planet.” That is a quote from “Grey,” the “Fifty Shades of Grey” book told from Christian’s perspective, but it could equally describe how New Hampshire came up with its state flag.

NEW JERSEY

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Liberty and Prosperity have not spoken since Liberty killed Prosperity’s prized horse and put its head in Prosperity’s bed.

NEW MEXICO

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“Look, we’re going to be next to Nevada. How hard do we have to try?”

NEW YORK

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Stan Lee designed this. Also, the lady on the left has killed the Sorting Hat and impaled it on her long stick for some reason.

NORTH CAROLINA

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This is just a mess. These dates mean nothing to the rest of us, North Carolina! It looks like NC perished tragically after less than a year.

NORTH DAKOTA

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“Shhh, if we put a big crown on the top and write ‘NORTH DAKOTA’ on the bottom, no one will notice that we stole this entire design from the Seal of the United States.”

OHIO

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This is what the wildly successful Obama logo would look like if it were the wildly unsuccessful Hillary logo.

OKLAHOMA

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The least Oklahoma could have done is put an “!” on there.

OREGON

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Okay. Fine. THIS is the Oregon Trail logo. But they could have colored it in, at least.

PENNSYLVANIA

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MUFFINS.

RHODE ISLAND

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Someone on Twitter whom I can’t find now described this flag as “hope being crushed by a giant anchor,” and that is exactly correct.

SOUTH CAROLINA

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“Tell me again about the things flags usually have.”
“Um, seals — people — stripes — colors — maybe the state name?”
“Let’s put on NONE of those things. And a palm tree.”

SOUTH DAKOTA

(Wikimedia Commons)
“You’ve definitely heard of South Dakota,” this flag says. “Look at this seal, full of familiar images! No? Okay, well, have you heard of Mount Rushmore?”

TENNESSEE

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I’m sorry, but everything about this is just terrible. What was Tennessee even trying to accomplish here? You know something is the matter with your flag when you make Arkansas look good by comparison.

TEXAS

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“You mean this isn’t taken yet?” Texas asked. “How is this not taken? This was literally the first thing I thought of.”

UTAH

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“UTAH: OUR FLAGS HAVE HIVES. Er, I mean, ‘Industry.'”

VERMONT

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This is just a picture of some hunter’s wall.

VIRGINIA

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Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, Virginia happened. Virginia, do you know there’s a dead guy on your flag? “Yeah,” Virginia says, shrugging nonchalantly. “That’s what we do to tyrants here. Kill them, and then we pose for pictures on their corpses.” Don’t mess with Virginia.

WASHINGTON

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Come on. You can’t just pass a crude rendition of a dollar bill off as a flag. I don’t care if your name IS Washington.

WEST VIRGINIA

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This picture of two rugged men in hats leaning on a big rock also doubles as West Virginia’s online dating picture.

WISCONSIN

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If the sailor moves, that crouching badger will attack him.

WYOMING

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“Sometimes,” Wyoming said, “I doubt other states’ commitment to GIANT BISON. Let’s show them we mean business.”
In conclusion, every flag is awful and needs to be fixed. Just not all for the same reason.

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