Thread: Jokes for Koobster

WARNING THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG LOL


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.'

Originally Posted by cayla99

WARNING THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG LOL


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.'

Hahahahaha!!! What a hoot! I sure did not expect that ending!

AARP QUESTIONS:



Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested

in them?

A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.



Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When
you are done you will have a place to live.



Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt
.'



Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.



Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.



Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on
my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually20pull them out.



Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.



Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short-term memory
storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.



Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.



Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.



Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique
stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these!'

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time

employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his
glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Grandpa
removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now
realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a
witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing? Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so
he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket

on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge
win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy
about it.'

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.



He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.



Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'


The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.



One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.



She quietly called him over to her.



'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.



'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.



'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.



'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

A Gary is on his way to his John's house all excited about a party that John is having.

He get's to John's house. Gary tells John he can't wait it's going to be a fun night.

John replies, "Oh, yeah it's going to be fun! There's gonna be drinkin', fightin', and screwin'."

"That sounds great" says Gary. When do the others get here?

John replies, "It's only the two of us"

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE..

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up..'

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me and my sister.

She was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Originally Posted by wmarincic

Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me and my sister.

She was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

HAHAHA!! That is great!! I have a 6 year old, but when she was 2, she got her first toothbrush. I showed her how to use it. One day, my wife stepped out of the shower and once she bent over to dry her legs, my daughter took it upon herself to shove her Sesame Street toothbrush up my wife's rear end!! You guys should have seen the look on my wife's face! I laughed so hard for so long, I was in the dog house for at least a week. How does one tell their child that what they did is wrong, but be so funny at the same time?