Thread: Jokes for Koobster

Originally Posted by PatrioticMe

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
Asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
Be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
The dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
Good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
Shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
You to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

Logic
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.

' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
" One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun".

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over �dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Originally Posted by wmarincic

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

ROFLMAO

Dixie

Originally Posted by wmarincic

Logic
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.

' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
" One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun".

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over �dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Nice one! I love this thread! Thanks for the jokes people!

Originally Posted by Dixie

Originally Posted by wmarincic

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

ROFLMAO

Dixie

too funny. I laughted so hard I fell out of the chair

not really a joke, it is all true, but it made me chuckle anyway





Do you know what happened 158 years ago this fall... back in 1850?



California became a state.

The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format::



Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.



Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.



Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.



Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.



Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:



** If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

** If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

** If you purchase a computer it will go to India .

** If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

** If you buy a car it will go to Japan .

** If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

And none of it will help the American economy.


We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

boy you guys are great. I love the jokes.

Thank you

Just found this thread. Thought I would include my 2 cents worth.



On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for
a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill.

I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not
have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying
to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'
Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand
him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.'
Manager: 'Ask for something else There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.' He comes back to me and says,
'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'
Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?'
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me
like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir.'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.

I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and
I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager:'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I am ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I 'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'

Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

Just think...those two will be voting soon